Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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