Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
