Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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