I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
