On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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