She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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