It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
