seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize