My sheets look like a crime scene.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
