his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
