Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
sex in a hospital.. check
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
