i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
