Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
