I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
