I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
