the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
