This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
