I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You made out with two different species that night
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
