i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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