also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
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Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
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Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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