i already hear my dad disowning me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
