Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
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I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
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Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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