just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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