I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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