remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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