my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
