Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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