I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
