I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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