I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
