I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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