i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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