listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
