Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
