1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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