no, he came in my armpit
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
