so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
