I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
