Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
