Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
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So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
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He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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