Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
