I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
