I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
