Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
