I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
