I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
