you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
