I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
