omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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