speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
