Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
