watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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