Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
