She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
