dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
