i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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