I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
