This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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