escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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